What If You Heard a Rumor That You Don’t Exist?

How can we really know we exist?

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When I lived in Los Angeles I worked with a teacher, Michael Jeffries and we used to talk about how some ideas just “landed.”

I was happy to see the video on Facebook because it reminded me of our conversations and my inevitable responses of “yes, but” followed by what I thought were relevant arguments to the contrary.

So, other than your very deep belief, similar to what you probably felt as a child about Santa Claus, or maybe the Tooth Fairy – who left the “evidence” under your pillow, how would you feel about a similar “rumor” questioning your existence as a separate “self”?

Are You Kidding?  Here I Am

Many people would shrug and laugh it off.  Crazy they would think, obviously, here I am.

And who is that?  Or what is it that is currently “here”?

Michael would delight himself and ask, can you find it?  Can you show me where your “self” is?

When you got a bit flustered, or mentioned your driver’s license, or more likely your physical body, the question would be, but who knows this?

Well, I do.  But we haven’t completely established that there is a YOU.  Why don’t you seriously, not flippantly, actually look for it?

Interestingly Neuroscience, and for many years Philosophy, have been doing just that.

But what happens when you do?  If you get quiet and ask yourself how you know that you exist as a separate entity or “thing” – what evidence do you have? Can you find the change under the pillow?

Doing the Inquiry

When I did this at Michael’s behest years ago I went through the usual circuitous steps.

Well, I’m thinking I might say, echoing Descartes famous “proof” – “I think therefore I am.”

What is thinking though?  Your belief in a separate self provides an answer – the brain.

(By the way did you know that there are neurons in your heart and gut?)

You can ask have, you ever seen your brain?  Well no – but every corpse that has ever been examined has one.

OK but you haven’t seen “yours”?  Well in my case no, but I have seen it in an X-ray after a concussion when I was told I needed brain surgery.  So there’s that.

Is there any indication that when you have a thought, this so-called brain is “doing it”?

Is the Voice in the Head “Yours”?

The voice in the head has been with you forever.  It’s what’s made you believe you exist separately, but have you ever stopped to examine just what it is, and where it came from?

Isn’t it really, when you “think” about it, just another sound that is happening at the moment?  Like the wind outside or the birds chirping?  Why do the words you seem to be thinking make you believe they come from a separate you?

There are scientists and thinkers now who will tell you that looking for that voice in your brain is like looking for an announcer inside a radio.

So why do you laugh derisively?   Because everyone knows we are all separate “people”.

And what exactly is a person?  Generally. someone with an “identity” who believes, and has others believe, that they exist as a separate entity.

Other than being ridiculed what happens if you question that belief?

Going Inside the Body

Well, there are feelings and sensations – so what is feeling and interpreting those?

Something IS apparently AWARE of these sensations – and these thoughts – but when you get right down to it, this Awareness is all you really have to go on.

There is nothing really to suggest that this sense of awareness is from a separate entity.

When I was in high school a wonderful English teacher, Mr. Stark, had us read a series of books by German author Herman Hesse.  The first one he recommended was “Siddartha” in which a student in the East begins to wonder about these issues and searches for the answer.

In the book he comes up with three activities that he can name that seem to point to his individual existence:  he can think, he can pray, and he can fast.

But like many seekers, is he truly convinced?  He also recognizes, as do Hesse’s other protagonists that everything they believe is just ultimately one of those pesky “thoughts.”

Conditioned Beliefs Are Hard to Shake

The belief is deep.  Most people like the girl in the video never question it until someone like Mr. Stark makes them face the stark reality that they don’t really know.

One of my favorite current writers, Eckhart Tolle, makes this one of the centerpieces of his teaching, advising his students to question all belief, and ultimately – instead of accepting what they’ve been told or currently believe – to accept not knowing.

I remember how uncomfortable I was with this concept when Michael raised it in one of our meetings.

“Can you just accept not knowing?” he asked one of the other students and when he looked at me, I was shaking my head.  The idea scared me – I needed certainty.

But I have found in the intervening years that really looking at the present moment you may well come to accept uncertainty for your own “sanity.”

Noticing Uncertainty

Some recent examples come to mind in the area of technology.  I used to write with some conviction about using computers for various purposes and how to troubleshoot them.

Now, I have a laptop with a touchscreen. Sometimes the touchscreen works, and sometimes I need my mouse.

I have been able to correlate this issue in some ways with updating the operating system – after I do that sometimes if it hasn’t been working all of a sudden it does.

And if I spent a few hours with the user manual I might find a direct connection – or a cause. Or would I?

Maybe I should call tech support?  Or perhaps I can just accept the quirkiness.

I love playing online poker tournaments and the experience has taught me quite a bit.  I have learned that when I was certain I was going to win the pot, I would be surprised by the “river” card that would abruptly change my fortune. 

And the reverse was also true.  Often, I have been sunk, down to my last few fake “chips” when an unexpected series of cards rewards me with the pot.

Most recently I have come to depend on a cordless phone with a small screen; the phone has many of my important phone numbers in it like a cell phone.

But sometimes this screen goes blank.  It is scary because the potential inconvenience is substantial, and I get a lump in my stomach as I get up to put it on the charger to see if it will come back.

Sometimes it doesn’t. I get more nervous and then I jiggle it, tap it or press it down harder.  So far, miraculously, it has always come back.

Each Instance of Uncertainty is Different

But I have had to accept each time that I really don’t know if it will.  I can hope, but I also am aware that there may well come a time, like when a friend no longer exists, and neither will the information on that screen.

Oh, and I also have my own “Schrodinger’s Cat”.  She has many hiding places and will disappear for a while and because she’s quite old now for a cat, the mind will wonder if she’s ok.  And while I may try to figure it out – I won’t know until she actually reappears with her tail up and her distinctive “meow.”

It’s not an easy thing to really accept.  The mind will go through convulsions to find certainty.

But ultimately, as some sort of living awareness, one will come up against a “reality” that is truly mysterious and immense – that what was known “for sure” can easily turn out to be false.

Like the little girl so troubled by the rumors about Santa.  Unless she learns to accept the mystery, she will always be discontented

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(Tom Bunzel was a contributor to Collective Evolution and now writes for The Pulse.  His new book "Conversations with Nobody: Getting to Know ChatGPT" – a book written with AI, about AI and giving a taste of AI, is available on Amazon.)