Why Are We So Quick To Dehumanize Each Other?

On losing sight of our shared humanity, not listening, and calling people extreme names too easily.

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Several times over the last week I have had people say some pretty intense things about me based on the two articles I have written about the recent events of the Israel-Palestine conflict here and here.

Nowhere in these articles did I claim who is right or wrong or take sides. Each held a message of connection, overcoming trauma, forgiveness, and a way forward.

Yet, “You’re racist” “You’re a bigot” “You're an anti-semite” and “You’re supporting bloodthirsty terrorists” are a sampling of the words I’ve received back from people multiple times over.

I see this all over the internet right now. People don’t agree, so they turn to obscenities that are untrue, and with no question of the cost of calling people such things.

As our team or I responded to these emails with curiosity and an open heart and mind, we got no responses from most. Those we did hear from provided empty responses with no reasoning or answer to my questions. Some admitted they didn’t know why they said what they did, and went back to reflect, which I admire.

I mean, if we are calling anyone any of those names, we better be right. This stuff should not be thrown around lightly and is the kind of stuff that can get people fired or defame them in irreparable ways.

My question in all of this is, has it become too easy to call each other deplorable things? If so, why?

I’m not going to be able to provide a full answer to that in one piece, nor do I think I have the full answer, but I want to talk about how I converse and listen to others so as to not dehumanize them.

The Culture Wars

I think of BLM, COVID, LBGTQ rights, Me Too etc.

During these cultural moments, important things were brought to the forefront, but it also felt like it went overboard.

The reflex for many became: you are anti or racist or an abuser, if you are unsure of some new ideas or don’t agree with claims made by some people in these movements.

Instead of collectively exploring and creating space around how to evolve and where we should change our minds, people take an authoritarian approach: accept our ideas or you’re deplorable.

During COVID, world leaders too easily associated those who didn’t agree with the highly controversial mainstream narrative with words like racist, misogynistic, death, extreme, murderers, the probelm etc. Yet many people questioning things are loving, grounded, and calm, and were only asking for a discussion.

As separation and a lack of connection grow in our hearts, the ease of dehumanization increases. This slowly becomes culture and normal.

We begin to define people by their opinions, which we may not even understand, instead of defining them as human. We lose the ability to see the stark difference between a complex being and their evolving opinions.

As we dehumanize, it becomes easier to say terrible things to people and, in my view, we create more permission space to do even worse things over time like…

“It’s OK if these people lose their jobs, livelihood, and home - even end up in jail - if they don’t get vaccinated, they are terrible people.”

Beyond this reflexive and fear-based position, do we not see how there would be blowback if we made those types of choices all the time? Wouldn’t this create constant conflict and fighting?

In the case of destroying people’s livelihoods, doesn’t an impoverished community affect us all? Doesn’t poverty lead to more crime? Doesn’t it lead to more burden on our systems? Would we be able to recognize how our choices in the short term may lead to problems downline?

Is it that hard for many of us to see how our beliefs and ideas affect us collectively?

Yes, because we have created a culture where shortsightedness is normal. It has become too easy to focus only on the centimetre in front of us.

To identify with our own opinions only. To hyper-focus on ourselves as individuals.

We have come to dehumanize others, and we’ve lost sight of the ecosystem we live in.

We largely exist in the ME, not the WE. We feel we are individuals in a system (ego), but not integral parts of an ecosystem (eco).

A simplified visual example of the point.

I doubt anyone who has actually taken the time to meet me, listen to me or connect with me could even imagine associating a word like racist, bigoted, anti-Semitic etc. with me.

But online, that can be different, not just because we aren’t connecting face to face but because our online fast-paced world and increasing culture of dehumanization and lack of connection make it easier to project these ideas onto people and not truly listen to them.

There is also a big discussion here that involves the nervous system, trauma, and stress, and how this affects how we respond during stressful moments, but we’ll set that aside for the moment.

How I Choose To Listen

I’ve always been a curious person who deeply loves connecting with others. Some of my favorite days were in my late teens and early twenties, travelling around North America, and meeting random people everywhere I went. I had meals with people, was invited into their homes, and connected with them in meaningful ways.

I felt everyone had something to teach me. I wanted to see inside the hearts and minds of others. There was a deep curiosity and willingness there for me.

Further, when we would arrive at eventual moments of disagreement, my desire was to deeply understand how and why we differed. Never once did I have negative experiences with people I disagreed with, and every meeting ended with hugs.

Here are some thoughts as I look back on those experiences. These ideas/skills were also part of workshops and courses I ran many years ago and will be running again soon.

1. I am present in my body with an open heart and mind.

   
   This has become second nature - autonomic if you will - I like to be as present as I can when I’m with someone or reading something. I’m not perfect of course, but there is a willingness to do this, and I practice building the skill.

   
   I keep my mind and heart open to understanding them, new ideas, and where my ideas may be wrong or incomplete. Presence helps to better create a field of connection and signals electromagnetically back to others that this is a safe space that can go deeper than debating any hard-held views. Love and respect for another is at the basis of this.
   
   Because I’m present, I can also sense where my own emotions arising (which are of course valid as yours are) may cloud or obstruct how I see another. There’s more complexity to this point but this is OK for now.

2. I sense what they say and how they feel. I clarify with them if needed. This means I avoid projecting and assuming.

   
   By sensing I don’t just hear/read a word and take it purely literally. I make space for their intention and a more whole picture of their perspective. I’m not simply waiting to speak next, it allows me to hear them finish sentence after sentence without wanting to chop down their idea because of one word they said. We commonly see this combative behavior in debates. There, we seek to destroy the other and win, and will use ANY means to get there.
   
   Sometimes I make a point to get clear about why someone used a word, and so I ask. I might also reflect back to them what I think they said so I’m clear. My goal is collective clarity and connection.

3. I don’t engage in debate and protect my view. I reflect, inquire and step into their shoes. Seeing myself as part of their world, not against their world.

   
   This is an important one because so often our culture glorifies debate while throwing deeper reflection and collective inquiry out the window. We limit our view of each other and what’s possible to the past, and thus rarely tap into what’s possible within our collective creativity as we move into the future.
   
   Without the spirit of engaging from this level, we often identify with our belief and can’t step outside of it because we believe we are it. We also identify the other as their belief.
   
   Further, we don’t sense where we are in their world, and where they may be in our world. This is hyperindividualism.

4. If we are discussing topics or ideas that require a solution or problem to be solved, I lean into collective creativity and what is emerging in our field of discussion.

   
   Sometimes, but not always, the 3 previous principles produce a more connected and co-creative field in the conversation. We now not only have access to each other’s ideas but potentially what might emerge out of the expanded state of consciousness we created while being present and in our hearts.
   
   I say ‘sometimes’ because it takes intention, attention, and skill for all parties involved to open up and hold this type of space together. It is not a conversational failure if we do not, but it certainly is rewarding to move into this space.

Final Thoughts

You may resonate with what I shared here or not, either way, that is OK.

I wrote this inspired by the idea that we can move from fast-paced, dehumanized, and separate ways of engaging with others and content, to ways that are present, settled, and connected - where we truly want to understand one another and not just defend our own ideas.

Some of these ideas/skills are shared in a course myself and Dr Madhava Setty created called Overcoming Bias & Improving Critical Thinking. It contains elements of embodied sensemaking as well.

Some of these ideas are also being expanded upon in our workshop series called Path To Discernment taught by mind-body coach Nadia Qasmiah.

Both of these materials are available in our Explorer Lounge membership which you can check out here.

More workshops, live discussions, and mini-courses on building these skills will be added this year and next.

The stakes are high in our collective moment. I believe it is up to us to become the change we want to see in the world, and that takes knowledge, skill building, and practice.